My interest in psychotherapy began because of my interest in trying to navigate difficult relationships. I tried to follow relationship advice that suggested I ‘pick my battles’ and ‘choose peace over winning.’ I often felt stuck with no good options. I felt like the answer was to ‘focus on the positive,’ ‘try harder,’ and ‘be more understanding.’ I noticed that in an effort to be good, I aimed to please others. Despite being well-liked for doing so, I grew resentful.

With the right guidance, I noticed that it was possible to change—to set boundaries and make choices that were right for me. But, these choices often came with consequences. Often people were upset, and at times, I was seen as ‘selfish.’ Even learning to express my feelings of being hurt was hard. Worse yet was when I tried to name and address problematic behaviour. As this has often led to being identified as 'the problem.’ Society’s rules and expectations about being a woman and how to behave in a relationship were at the heart of my experiences, where my pain and my knowledge were often discredited because my gender is commonly perceived as emotional and irrational.

Even as a young girl, I noticed that the time, knowledge, and skills of men were valued and respected in a way that women’s roles and responsibilities were not. Views about women were centred on romantic love and relationships, as if being in a relationship was the only part of a woman’s identity that mattered and should be prioritized above all of her other aspirations that also offer her with meaning and joy. It’s implied that these relationships come with enduring life satisfaction.

The most adored and celebrated women were the most self-less. The ones who continuously worried about or prioritized the needs and desires of others over her own. Love seemed to be measured by a persons willingness to sacrifice what they wanted and needed for the other person.

There’s no mistaking that a number of positive changes have occurred for women, but there is still a long road to go to achieve true equality, especially in romantic relationships and in the home. Heterosexual relationships are hard to navigate because of the unconscious attitudes (biases) and expectations we have for our partners based on gender. For example:

• Biases like gendered rationality are found in both men and women, where people link the words “men and reason” and “women and emotion” without even realizing (Pavco-Giaccia et al., 2019).

• The weakness penalty: When a man’s career has less status compared to his female partner, he is viewed as the weaker spouse and less respected as a result. In this same situation, women experience the dominance penalty and are liked less as a result (Vink et al., 2023).

For me, learning about the biases that affect women has helped me feel empowered to share my knowledge, as for me knowledge is empowering.